Monday, 10 November 2014

Wanted, sister wife.

I started writing this while lying in bed feeling like hammered shit. All I was able to think about while trying to horizontally parent my mercurial daughter is - damn, I could use some help.

Like so many, we are a paycheck to paycheck house hold. Luxury items such as daycare and babysitters are just not in our budget. So it gets extra fun when I get sick.

Let me explain. I suffer from a chronic illness, well a few actually, but on the whole my days are manageable. I work hard to stay in shape (sadly that shape is not that of an athletic super model and more that of the Pillsbury Doughboy) to keep my symptoms in check, but there are some things you can't fight, and that is the common cold.

It hit me like a truck, a truck filled with enough mucus to lubricate the world's automotive industry till the end of time. To add insult to injury I also got my period. (Well played mother nature, Bitch!)

So as lay lay there in bed, praying for the sweet release of death, having called my husband to come home from work early, it struck me that I needed a wife.

As a wife and a mother we do it all. Cook, clean, referee, taxi, educate and everything in between. Its bloody hard doing it all, so wouldn't it be awesome if you could outsource some of that shit.  I'm not talking about a cleaner or a house keeper but an actual wife.

Wait, "what the ever loving fuck Zoe?" you may think, but hear me out. I haven't been watching too much TLC (The Learning Channel - there's a misnomer if ever there was one) or any other Mormon related romanticised fiction, but if you think about it, they might be on to something.

What if you, as a wife could choose your own wife? What if you had someone to jump in and share the load, to do all the shit you do? Wouldn't it be great if all wives had, well....a wife.

So let's take religion out of it and break it down into a simple advertisement.

Wanted - Sister Wife.


1. Patience of Job - You don't have to know who he is, but holy shit do you need his life skills to cut it in this house. Also punctuality, be on time for shit.

2. Know you way around the kitchen. - I'm not talking about where the fridge is, or how to make a stellar cup of tea, (this too is a vital qualification, I'm English so this is important) but to know how to knock out a meal that tastes awesome and will appeal to toddlers and me. The Husband will eat almost anything so long as the basic food group is represented. Meat. We like food in this house, I am shamelessly one of those people who bake and then post pictures of it. Don't judge, instead jump on board the delicious yummy goodness train.

3. Enjoy a drink. - This is not get shit faced on a Tuesday morning (though no judgement, it's 12 o'clock somewhere), but more of a know a decent bottle of wine and make sure there is more than one available.

4. Like my kid - I've seen her make the gayest man in the world's m'ovaries explode so I know she has likeable qualities, but she can also be a little turd, and when the switch gets flipped even I find it hard to like her.

5. Flexibility - As parents we all know that things can change in the blink of the eye. "Best laid plans" and all that. You need to be able to rally in a pinch and take one for the team.

6. Be organised. - I am not. I couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery.

7. Badassery (yes this is a word). - Have my back, even when I am a total asshat. I'm not saying that you shouldn't call me on my shit when I am being a tool, but do it afterwards, and make sure I have wine.

8. Know when to say no. - I don't. Also I need someone to give me shove and push me.

9.  Like doing laundry. - I fucking hate it!

10. Dog person. - Because dogs are awesome. That is all.

11. Live in close proximity. - Logistics and all that. You are no bloody good to me if you live on the other side of country.

12. Have a voice. - This one is important. No shrinking violets please. We are not shouters in this house (with the exception of people under waist height) but I have ADD and tend to get excited and lose track of the point. I can literally be half way through a sentence and forget what I was talking about, and oooh look.. Squirrels.

13. Like doing laundry. - Seriously I cannot stress this one enough.

14. Be crafty. - Not the sneaky kind (though this is also a plus) but I am an illustrator, sewer, knitter and general faffer. It's my crack. You need to be on board with this, and not blink at the cupboards, drawers and other storage containers filled with paraphernalia or judge when I come home with more.

15. Sing. - You don't have to do it well, but if you can bust our some Twinkle Twinkle Little Star while shaking your ass to Billy Idol's Mony Mony or any other 80's awesomeness, then you are a keeper. If you can shamelessly do this in the supermarket then all's the better.

16. Nerdery. - Have intimate knowledge of one or all of the following; Fantasy fiction and films, any and all things Marvel or DC related and computer geekery. (I know nothing but it will give you something to talk to the hubster about). This list is not limited to these items, please feel free to bring your own special brand of crazy to the table. There is always room for more.

17. Sarcasm, swearing and inappropriate poop jokes. - Because shit is just funny.

Recompense :

I offer you, a house filled with love, chaos, laughter, tantrums, snot, and so much more. I will take your kid when you are sick and make you dinner when you are hungry and you can't be arsed. I will reign down fire on anyone who fucks with you and yours and do my best to listen when you just need to have a whinge. I'll hand you a glass of wine at the end of a long shitty day, and knitted mittens on cold ones. I'll pimp out my husband when your computer hands you the blue screen of death or when you need something moved. In short, I got your back.

As I write this though it occurs to me that I already have a wife. A few actually, (take that Mormons) I am pretty damn lucky that almost all of these qualities and a few more are wrapped up in my closest friends. They have keys to my house and know my kitchen as well as I do. They are as un-phased at the husband wandering around in his boxers in the morning as they are at my last minute panic cancellations. They parent my kid as much as I do, and I trust them enough to back almost any call they make. I don't have to share conjugal rights (down side of this is I don't get my bed to myself half the week, Mormons got that one right) but on the whole, I think I've got it pretty good.

Still, I can't help but think that polygamy can't be all that bad, but then I think who else but the awesome dude I married would have me? Nah, I think I am good.

1 comment:

  1. You are going to have them queueing at your door, lady x
    Great post, modom, if I may say so :-)